I Hate The World Today

Oh, he'd hate it if he knew I published that photo. He didn't like it that I took the photo in the first place, let alone show it to anyone, let alone publish it in this blog.

I guess it's not a very adult thing to do.

Also I think it might be a bit vain as well. Why do I get a cheap thrill from knowing that anyone of my friends, or anyone else for that matter could see the photo?

I had a long conversation with an acquaintance of mine about writing. His position is that blogging is self-publication. And that self-publication is the worst form of writing there is. He writes letters. Personal letters to friends, sometimes even with pen and paper. He feels that self-publishing is vanity. I think I see his point. He dislikes the fact that vitually anyone can write any kind of tripe and make it available to the public in the mad attempt to gain some kind of what... notariety? Fame?

I started writing this blog when I moved away from Toronto. Part of the purpose was to keep in touch with my friends and colleagues that I was leaving behind. Since then it's become an important personal activity. For a while I kept a journal. Mostly it was stupid details of all the boys I had crushes on. I wrote it with pencil and paper. To look back and read some of those entries now is mind-bending. It definately helped me through a period of my life when I was involved in drugs in a negative way. It clarified some thoughts and made me realize some things about myself that I might not have otherwise.

I happen to be sitting on my patio right now, which looks out onto 2nd street. That's the second rail thin crack-hoe I've seen walking by in the last 45 mintues. Wow, what must their life be like? I know a little about addiction, but I know nothing about that kind of addiction. From what I do understand, one's life has no purpose other than the next hit. Everything is about feeding the addiction.

Jesus, count your belssings Oliver. Count your fucking blessings.

UPDATE Aug. 22/05, 5:30pm
I have removed the picture, because it was a weird and childish thing to do. Looking back on it, this was a pretty weird post, but that's what I like about the blogging, it's an unedited snapshot of one's mind at the time of publishing. However, the pic had to go.

Another rainy Monday night

So... what am I gonna do tonight? All I really want to do is hang out with somebody. Is it totally pathetic? I mean... there is someone specific that I'd like to be with, and I can't actually believe how sappy and pathetic I'm sounding. However I guess what it comes down to is I'm bored. I had a pretty boring weekend. And I'm not very busy currently... just the day job... so I've had a lot of nights off lately.

So it's Monday night, and I've got no plans. Hm. I shoudn't turn the TV on... it'll suck me in... the Idiot Box. But I do. I watch the Simpsons, Growing Up Gotti, a food show, and Airline. Oh, and CSI. I make a drink.

That's right, vodka and orange juice. With a splash of ginger ale and lemon juice. Mmm. Three bevvies later and I'm feeling better. Everything's a bit more interesting. Airline is a pretty funny show actually. Heh heh... that fat bastard ain't getting on that plane. HA HA. He's drunk, or he's a beligerent father, or something.

Ok, it's time to order some Swiss Chalet.

Done. Hope it gets here soon. Don't you love the anticipation of the Swiss Chalet delivery? How much will I tip the guy, or girl. Anything more than two bucks is quite generous.

Ok, so it's a few hours later... the vodka buzz has worn off and I'm full of chicken and salad. I feel better. Shane is home and he has some boy coming over. This boy doesn't know what he's in for. Shane is quite the provider of entertainment. It is nice to see Shane actually interested in a boy though, for more than just his bubble butt.

I, as well, feel my time has come for a boyfriend. I've become very comfortable being on my own over the past few years. However I moved to this city for new experiences. And quite honestly, being in a relationship would be a new, fun and learning experience. I'm ready to give it my best shot.

Aw, Shane's boy has come over... he's very cute. He's from Ontario.

Aw shucks.

Later kids!

My own personal monestery

I had one of those days today where I was completely solitary. I meditated in bed (ie. slept in late) then spent the day by myself in my apartment. I guess I really can't compare it to being a monk, as monks actually did work, where as I acomplished nothing.

In some ways I treasure the days like today. I only opened my mouth to speak once... I had a 10 minute phone conversation and that was it. I did say "hello" and "thanks" at the grocery store though.

I heard about a person that took one day per week to be silent. I think it's a test of resolve, as well as an practice in meditation. I've thought about trying it, but it's actually very hard, and quite impractical. Therein lies the challenge I suppose.

Anyway, yes... today I was alone. I really enjoy being alone, as long as it's only once in a while. I'm proud that I know how to be alone. It's a way for me to truly relax and rest and sort of re-group for the week ahead.

Part of the reason that I had no plans today was that I was kind of saving it for someone. I'm a bit of a bozo that way sometimes... I make plans in my head with others, and then don't actually make the plans in real life. It suprises me when other people are actually doing other things. But then again, sometimes I'm relieved when the plans don't go through, because then I have a day alone, like today.

Weird I know. Amazing what the subconcious accomplishes.

Can you spot the freak out?

Have just spent a wonderful day of drinking espresso on the patio, catching up on some emails, a little barbequeing, meeting up with friends at the local and helping decorate a cake for someone's birthday.

It's been several months since I've had a day to myself at home. A true day off. It's hard for me to think of anything nicer. Ok, there are some other pretty nice things, like the day I had yesterday with a certain somebody. That was very nice.

I wasn't sure what I was going to write about today. I struggle with the direction of this blog... is it simply an accounting of the cool things I do from day to day? Do I write these things down because I want to be able to look at the goings-on of Oliver and be proud? Is it vanity? Partly yes, I'm sure. I think deep down I really like talking about myself. Not in a boasting way though.

Let me tell you about a fantastic meal I had the other day with my friends Tim and Sarah. It was at a restaurant called The Living Room on 17th Ave. in Calgary.

First we had steak tartare. I was chopped raw beef, served with mustard, chopped oinions and pickles, and capers. It was creamy and fresh tasting and awesome. Then we had duck confit cabbage rolls, which were delicious yet simple, without too many other flavours getting in the way. We also had a crab and mascarpone ravioli with truffle oil that was to die for.

Then we proceeded to a seared scallop and spinach salad with bacon and red peppers. Tim had foie gras that was served on a pecan bread pudding (incredible, but a bit cruel to the geese I suppose). I had oysters. The east coast ones were superior to the west coast ones.

For desert there was a trio of creme brulees (grand marnier, chocolate and rosemary!) and a warm moist chocolate cake that oozed chocolate lava when pierced. Unbelievably good.

We washed it all down with a bottle of really nice red wine, the name of which escapes me because I'm bad like that with wines. Whoever I end up marrying will have to choose the wine when we go out, because while I love the stuff, I can't keep track of the details (grape, region, name... it's all too much).

For the past week I've been feeling kind of anxious and weird... like something big is about to happen, but I don't know what. Like I'm waiting for a big new change to happen, or a huge life challenge to appear. Even today, a very relaxing and easy day, I've had this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's not a negative thing really, I'm just feeling a little squirelly, a might jumpy and just a little bit sleepy.

If you leave a comment, why not also include details of recent meal you had that you enjoyed.